Monday, February 14, 2011

Struggling with Food Addiction

It's been a while since I posted the huge food revelation blog.

I'm sorry. I'm just doin' what I do. Which isn't my best but
I'm working on it. It's always been a work in progress.

I was sitting pretty at 75 pounds lost. Then, I was maintaining.
After that, I was gaining. And now, I've gained. And I don't like
that AT ALL. It's not a huge amount but it's enough to where I
am feeling uneasy about my relationship with food again. I notice
that my pants are getting tight, I'm not making the best food
choices and I just don't make myself stop and say to myself "Why
are you eating, stupid a**. Don't you remember that you can't stop
when it comes to food?"

Addiction is a serious monkey on my back. The other day, I'd
gotten to the point where I'd seen food everywhere. Not one
thing all day gave me relief from the constant, unrelenting
food thinking and I wanted to jump out of my skin and I was
just screaming inside my head for it to all stop--for me to
stop. And you know, it never really does. This effing sucks,
man. It's SO hard. Food is everywhere and it's socially acceptable
to have it around, you go out and it's readily available and
it's encouraged to indulge as much as you like. Seems like
there's a new holiday around every corner of my calendar that
invites me to cook something "special" or have something I
wouldn't normally eat because it's a "special occasion". I can
get past it for a while, get cocky because I seemed to conquer
the issue, but it always comes back with a vengance and I just
can't seem to not only be okay with food and have it around and
not overindulge but to draw the line as to not cross it again.

I can have the greatest support system ever, and I do. But it
really comes down to me. And it's really just some days where
I wish it didn't come down to me. That I wish someone else could
carry this burden for a while so that I could seek relief for five
minutes. I know that it's to the point of wanting to to choose
food over everything else in my life or get serious. And duh, of
course I want to be serious. I don't want to struggle with this
so hard. But when do I get there? When is it enough? When is it
that I can finally say this will not be my struggle anymore?