Sunday, September 12, 2010

Finally being honest about my own weight issues.

This is a hard entry to write. I spent a long time turning it
over in my head.

I was talking with a good girlfriend of mine last week about
the sudden realization that I had when I hit the heaviest I'd
ever been. And when I had this realization, it about stopped
me cold, because I'd never really said it out loud to myself
because....we'll....who really wants to hear the cold, hard
truth about themselves? I mean, it hurts. Bad.

My name is Sarah and I am a food addict.

You can laugh, but it's true. And if I'd had the cojones to say
this eight years ago when I started putting on weight, I would
not have gained over a hundred pounds. Food for me is an addiction.
I cannot say no to almost any kind of food. I have no cap as
to what is "enough". And it's not like eating or having food is
illegal. So, it's not like being overweight is as socially unacceptable
as using drugs or drinking to oblivion, so I thought I was okay.

Until I wasn't.

And it's really that I looked in the mirror and I could not
recognize who I was anymore.

I can literally count on one hand the people I've talked to who
really have been honest andsaid "Oh my god, yes. That's exactly
what it's like." And though it's refreshing to have people
that I can talk about this to, it's terrifying how close this
is to any other addiction. For me, it was. All I thought about
all the time was food. Eating. When the next meal was. What I was
going to cook. How I would get the food I would be cooking/eating.
I'd eat more than I was supposed to eat and beat myself up all
day because I overate. And then, when I gained more weight, I
started to isolate. I didn't want to do much with my family or
friends because I was not the weight I wanted to be and I was
embarassed to have others see what I had become. But, because I
was isolating, I would go right back to comfort eating and the
cycle would start all over again. I hated myself so all my personal
relationships suffered. I figured because I hated myself that
it was just pity that others wanted to spend time with me as
I really had noone else.

Isn't that an awful way to live? I am so angry and disgusted
with myself because I just couldn't be honest with how I was
living my life and just face it, start to heal and move on.
This is no different from friends/family that I've seen struggle
with addiction. It's not exactly the same, but the cycles are.

Why am I blogging about this? Honestly, I can't let someone
else feel this way. I felt so isolated and really thought that
noone could feel like me. Or if they did, they would never
be honest about it. I mean REALLY be honest. And I'm telling
you that I don't hate you. Because I've been there. I am there.
And I understand. I've found that I've got to keep this active
in my mind. That I've got to keep reminding myself that this is
like any other addiction and that it's a daily (sometimes I've
even got to take it by the hour, minute and second, too. Depends
on how difficult the food-issues are for that day.) With keeping
this active, I've got to talk about it. Find others who feel
like me so that we can get it out there so we don't feel
this way alone and go back to our triggers.

Now that I've faced my truth, the weight is just coming off.
I'm learning about what works for me, food-wise. I don't keep my
trigger foods in the house because...we'll....I'd eat it all
in one sitting. I don't bake as much as I used to. I don't go
to fast food restaurants. I've eliminated all sugar, processed
foods, all sugary drinks, and binge/bored eating. It's been
almost four months and I'm down 46 pounds and six pants sizes.
I finally got under 200 pounds a couple days ago and that was a
HUGE milestone for me. I hadn't been under 200 since my oldest
son was two.

I can't take the credit all for myself, either. I now have eliminated
most of my unhealthy personal relationships from my life and
since starting this weight loss journey, I got up off
my couch and formed new, healthy friendships with a great
group of women who all love and support me and are honest with
me about their food issues, too. That was huge. (Nothing makes you
feel more powerful than having a conversation with your "girls"
and having them either say something that you are too afraid to
say out loud or you vocalize how you feel and have them say yes,
I feel that way, too. It's like, you aren't carrying the burden
alone anymore. And that's such a wonderful feeling.) My dad has
always offered his love and support when needed which has always
been a blessing.

So, now that I've put all this down on paper....kind of.....if
you feel the same way, leave a comment. If you'd rather not air
your dirty laundry for everyone to see, leave a comment that you'd
like my e-mail address and I'll get it to you. I really just
wanted to finally have this said and out there so that maybe
my struggle can help someone else as well as be
a little cheap therapy for me, too.

Thanks for reading.


  1. Hi,

    It's kind of funny I randomly stumbled upon your blog, because I can DEFINITELY identify exactly with this entry!

    My name is Natalie. I've struggled with my weight since I was 9 (I'm 20 now). It's been a roller coaster ride, for sure. I had depression that manifested around 4th grade and gradually used food to self-medicate. It turned into an addiction (like you said) and to make a long story short, I haven't been under 200 pounds since I was 12. I've been over 300 pounds twice--once, as a senior in high school, but I lost around 40 pounds after I went on medication and graduated--and last spring, when I got to my heaviest ever...a disturbing 323, which I hated so much that I was able to lose about 35 pounds, and I've been hanging around the high 280s/low 290s since August. (I had an incident with my ex-boyfriend, and then school, thus the weight loss was put on hold.)

    I fear I will gain it all back...I know I am the one in control, but sometimes I feel so out of control. I want to keep losing, of course, but I feel like I'm in a rut right now. :/

    I'm very happy for you, and your post is quite inspiring. Ever heard of 3FC? ( It's my FAVORITE place to meet people/get support/advice and learn pretty much everything related to weight loss. :)

  2. Hello!!!, Like Natalie said i had the luck to stumble with this blog and your entry.
    I´ve been overweight for a few years now.
    I was so thin, i used size 0 in 9th grade and, 3 in high school, but to the end of high school i start gaining wait (sorry if i write wrong words but im from mexico and my speling is awfull). In colege i went to live with my grandmother and gained a lot of weight, i couldn´t control the way i eated, i eated all the time and when i wasn´t eating i was thingking about eating. After a year and a half i came back home super heavy with 162 pounds and a size 13 pants, i felt so big, i started a weight control program and drop 33 pounds i was size 7 or 5 i felt sooo good. Then i started to have some problems with some friends i didn´t had my usual scape that was food, so i fel horrible and couldn´t control my self i start overeating again bur didn´t wanted to put weight on so i started to purge myself and induce vomit, i find a way to eat everything i wanted and not gain wait, even knowing how bad was that for me. One day after 3 months doing this i saw a show on TV about bulimia in opened my eyes finding it wasn´t too late to stop, i start going to therapy and stop purgin myself, but didn´t continued therapy and i keept eating a lot. So gradually gained weight back. Then i met a boy and got pregnant, whe got married, and i had the baby, I wasn´t that heavy when i had the baby i use size 11 in my pants, (i stoped weighting myself so i don´t know how heavy i was). I was a homemaker for a year and was good, didnt loss weight but didn´t gained. Then i started working and it was horrible. Now i had money to buy wathever food i wanted, And started with horrible eating habits. I started to have problems with my husband so i gained more weight as a self defense mechanism, i wanted him to leave me so i got soooo heavy, i got up to 206 pounds and a size 16. Then things where getting better in my marriage, whe worked things up. I realized my horrible eating habbits, and didn´t recognize myself in the mirror. I realized that there where no pictures of my, only my girl. I stopped taking pictures because i hated the way i looked. I stopped seeing my friends because i was embarased by the way i looked.
    So when i accepted my condition and realized that i was obeese i start feering for my health, or getting deseases like diabetes and high blood preasure. And then i saw the light, a specialist started working in my workplace, a nutritionist, so i started seing her, and started to drop weight and feeling great. I dropped 46 pound by now, i steel need to drop 23 more, but right now i feel great, everybody tells me i look great.
    I love to read you and finding out im not alone in this!!!! YOu go, you can do it!!!

  3. Somehow your blog ended up on my site so I, too, stumbled onto you. I have some different food issues from you. My sister, now deceased, was morbidly obese (over 300 lbs) and I was "the skinny one".... I weighed 105 lbs when I graduated from HS (well most of us were thinner in HS). I gained weight gradually especially once I began menopause. I am still within normal limits for my age but I would call myself plump. I have a good sized donut and my thighs are like launch pads; heavier people wonder what all my whining is about. But for most of my life, I was unfamiliar with the dynamics of eating. Now suddenly I've found that I DO have to think about what I am eating and so eating, when I will eat, what I will eat, how much will I eat has suddenly kicked into gear. This is still a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable world to be in. I have begun a fitness program but I am still struggling with the fact that I cannot eat whatever I want, whenever I want which was how I lived most of my life.