This is a hard entry to write. I spent a long time turning it
over in my head.
I was talking with a good girlfriend of mine last week about
the sudden realization that I had when I hit the heaviest I'd
ever been. And when I had this realization, it about stopped
me cold, because I'd never really said it out loud to myself
because....we'll....who really wants to hear the cold, hard
truth about themselves? I mean, it hurts. Bad.
My name is Sarah and I am a food addict.
You can laugh, but it's true. And if I'd had the cojones to say
this eight years ago when I started putting on weight, I would
not have gained over a hundred pounds. Food for me is an addiction.
I cannot say no to almost any kind of food. I have no cap as
to what is "enough". And it's not like eating or having food is
illegal. So, it's not like being overweight is as socially unacceptable
as using drugs or drinking to oblivion, so I thought I was okay.
Until I wasn't.
And it's really that I looked in the mirror and I could not
recognize who I was anymore.
I can literally count on one hand the people I've talked to who
really have been honest andsaid "Oh my god, yes. That's exactly
what it's like." And though it's refreshing to have people
that I can talk about this to, it's terrifying how close this
is to any other addiction. For me, it was. All I thought about
all the time was food. Eating. When the next meal was. What I was
going to cook. How I would get the food I would be cooking/eating.
I'd eat more than I was supposed to eat and beat myself up all
day because I overate. And then, when I gained more weight, I
started to isolate. I didn't want to do much with my family or
friends because I was not the weight I wanted to be and I was
embarassed to have others see what I had become. But, because I
was isolating, I would go right back to comfort eating and the
cycle would start all over again. I hated myself so all my personal
relationships suffered. I figured because I hated myself that
it was just pity that others wanted to spend time with me as
I really had noone else.
Isn't that an awful way to live? I am so angry and disgusted
with myself because I just couldn't be honest with how I was
living my life and just face it, start to heal and move on.
This is no different from friends/family that I've seen struggle
with addiction. It's not exactly the same, but the cycles are.
Why am I blogging about this? Honestly, I can't let someone
else feel this way. I felt so isolated and really thought that
noone could feel like me. Or if they did, they would never
be honest about it. I mean REALLY be honest. And I'm telling
you that I don't hate you. Because I've been there. I am there.
And I understand. I've found that I've got to keep this active
in my mind. That I've got to keep reminding myself that this is
like any other addiction and that it's a daily (sometimes I've
even got to take it by the hour, minute and second, too. Depends
on how difficult the food-issues are for that day.) With keeping
this active, I've got to talk about it. Find others who feel
like me so that we can get it out there so we don't feel
this way alone and go back to our triggers.
Now that I've faced my truth, the weight is just coming off.
I'm learning about what works for me, food-wise. I don't keep my
trigger foods in the house because...we'll....I'd eat it all
in one sitting. I don't bake as much as I used to. I don't go
to fast food restaurants. I've eliminated all sugar, processed
foods, all sugary drinks, and binge/bored eating. It's been
almost four months and I'm down 46 pounds and six pants sizes.
I finally got under 200 pounds a couple days ago and that was a
HUGE milestone for me. I hadn't been under 200 since my oldest
son was two.
I can't take the credit all for myself, either. I now have eliminated
most of my unhealthy personal relationships from my life and
since starting this weight loss journey, I got up off
my couch and formed new, healthy friendships with a great
group of women who all love and support me and are honest with
me about their food issues, too. That was huge. (Nothing makes you
feel more powerful than having a conversation with your "girls"
and having them either say something that you are too afraid to
say out loud or you vocalize how you feel and have them say yes,
I feel that way, too. It's like, you aren't carrying the burden
alone anymore. And that's such a wonderful feeling.) My dad has
always offered his love and support when needed which has always
been a blessing.
So, now that I've put all this down on paper....kind of.....if
you feel the same way, leave a comment. If you'd rather not air
your dirty laundry for everyone to see, leave a comment that you'd
like my e-mail address and I'll get it to you. I really just
wanted to finally have this said and out there so that maybe
my struggle can help someone else as well as be
a little cheap therapy for me, too.
Thanks for reading.